Like a soul mate
by daveryship
Summary: Let' face it Harvey is not the only one with weird commitment issues here. And he gets clued in on that. Whats he gonna do? Darvey.
1. Chapter 1

**Like a soul mate.**

 **Hey guys, here's another Darvey Fic. Hope you like. Reviews are most welcome. They are the fuel that keeps this machine going.**

It seems like ages since he has taken her to dinner. Last time he took her to dinner, their usual working together anniversary, they'd had a fight. About Louis' sister, of all people. Of course there were some underlying issues to do them too. And then she had told him about her new boyfriend, kill joy. He had really been having a good time, really forgotten about Jack Soloff and his bullshit. She always had that effect on him. Every problem he had in his life seemed to shrink in size whenever she was with him. Then she had left him to work for Louise and every shrunken problem in his life seemed to expound and blew up in his face and became unbearable. He can't explain it but he knows he can't lose her. He knows just that. He has to touch base with her again or she will slip away from him without him even noticing. She is the one person who stood by him during the Mike thing; she was always by his side. She got him through it. And now Mike is out, the Firm is back in functional order somewhat. He didn't even know she had broken off with her boyfriend, the Mitchell guy. He wasn't there for her because she had to be there for him. So he had asked her to dinner tonight, just as friends of course. Like the good old times. She had hesitated but accepted eventually. She refused to be picked up from her place, said she will meet him at the restaurant. Fine then, she is trying to send a message that by absolutely no means should this be perceived as a romantic date. Well he's game. He tries to steer away from that notion when it comes to her. He still doesn't understand why but he runs like a scared little kid from the idea of him having more with Donna. He doesn't wade in uncharted waters and his feelings for Donna are scary deep still waters. It's too dangerous. He doesn't do danger unless he knows he'll be negotiating from a position power. His feelings for Donna don't give him that advantage, on the contrary. And he doesn't do weak. He feels nervous, his palms sweating as the time draws near. He waits for her with a glass of scotch in his hand. He is not a goddamned teenager out on a first date with his high school crush. He's got to get his shit together. Then she walks in and his breath catch, his heart skips a beat and he tries to swallow. She looks like a dream. Her dress, wow, he has never seen that dress on her before. It's that kind of ball gown type of dresses only classier and shorter. It doesn't leave a cleavage at all; she is trying to looks formal. Boy, she has no idea. This is the sexiest dress he has ever seen on her. She looks like a modern day princess with that red hair flying around. Then she smiles and sits down across the table from him. For a moment there he has a brain freeze. He manages to swallow and smile back at her. "Donna." He says in greeting.

"Harvey." she says right back.

"You look ... nice." He says and she just raises an eyebrow at him.

"Thank you Harvey, so do you." she says. "Sooo... what's the occasion?" she asks.

"Why can't I just take a friend out to dinner?" he replies

"Well you should have just taken Mike, to celebrate him coming out of prison."

"I've already done. Besides this is our restaurant Donna. I never take anyone else here. And it's been a while since I've been here, suddenly I missed the place." He says with a smirk.

"Fine then, if you put it that way. I've missed this place too." She smirks right back and gets holds of her menu.

He takes a breath, this is going well. The tension has eased and they are sort of back in their zone now. The teasing and the banter. The telling each other that they missed each other without actually coming right out and saying it. Yep, this is them alright. They eat their dinner, conversations switching from work to Louise to Mike and very other thing that doesn't necessarily involve the two of them together. She doesn't talk about Mitchell, he doesn't ask. He doesn't talk about his therapy and she doesn't ask. They are talking and laughing and forgetting the outside world and its serous issues. He sighs, he really needed this. He looks at the beautiful woman across the table from him, his best friend, telling a joke and laughing at her own joke. He really doesn't know how he could ask for more. He has everything.

He walks her to her door, they are still laughing at some joke he just told. She looks back at him with a smile on her face. "Thanks Harvey, I really needed that."

He smiles back, "Me too."

"Do you want to come in? We'll have some scotch." She asks. Not wanting the night to end so quickly. Though it's around 1030pm already.

He looks at her for a bit. Not sure if he should but not wanting the night to end just yet either. "Yeah, but only if it's McAllen 68." He says following her in.

"I don't keep any other kind." She quips back.

They continue their evening companionably but still not talking about any important things, at least not about themselves. Though Harvey knows getting him to talk about feelings is like pulling teeth, direct quote from his therapist; he knows Donna is the only person he could tolerate talking to about any kind of feelings. It used to annoy him but he knew he needed it. And now he misses it. Because now she seems to be the one actively avoiding talking about anything serious and he suddenly feels like being serious. Their roles have been reversed. He misses her talking sense to him and explaining his feelings for him. That's the other element that makes them _them._ He doesn't like this barrier that's between them; it never used to be there before. He clears his throat and looks at her seriously. "Donna, I am sorry... about Mitchell. I heard you guys broke up." He says

She leans down to put her glass on the table and sits back up on the couch, her guard visibly back on. "Yeah sure, thanks Harvey. It's nothing." She says with a 'let's not continue this conversation' tone.

Harvey picks up on it but he doesn't back down. His therapist will be proud to see that he is the one pursuing this line of conversation. He has to reach Donna somehow. "So... Are you ok." He asks

"I am fine Harvey. Let's drop this shall we?" she is not liking this one bit.

"Look I just want to make you feel better." Crap! He realizes what he just said. He just put his foot into his mouth right there. He remembers what that kind of statement did the last time he said it. He tries to back track but Donna is already standing on her feet with that look on her face. So much for therapy talking feelings bullshit. Yeah, he should have just left that alone.

"So that was a pity dinner." She looks furious.

"No Donna... I..."

"Thanks for the pity dinner Harvey, but I told you once before, I don't want your pity." She snaps.

"Donna ... that's not what I meant." He says pleadingly.

"Of course Harvey, it's never what you mean." She quips

"Ok, let's not go there." He says

"Why Harvey, because you can't handle adult talk? You can't take responsibility for the words you say? Well we are already there Harvey. You took us there." She is now very angry. It's so typical of him to say something and then backtracks.

"It seems to me you're the one who can't handle adult talk. You've been avoiding talking about anything remotely personal the whole night. And when I finally bring something up, you bite my head off." He counters.

She scoffs. "Really Harvey, congratulations then, you now qualify for adult talk." She says patronizingly.

"Fine Donna, what are you referring to?"

She looks at him at a loss, how he can act as if he doesn't know. "I am referring to the time you said you loved me and then you back tracked the next morning. Remember that?"

"I didn't back track, I..."

She cuts him off, "Fine Harvey, I don't want to hear it. It's time for you to go." She says

"You don't want to hear it? Who's being immature now?" he counters.

"Really Harvey, OK then. How do you love me?" she retorts with that question. Ready for him to shy away from the question and run, as usual.

He's a little thrown by that question. He wasn't really expecting her to go there again. He doesn't know what to say. At least not with something that doesn't further incriminate him or worse, shows his weak link. Wait a minute; he is not going to answer that question. He is not going to pour out his heart to her while she waits there deciding whether to take him or crash him. So that she can tell him that she loves him like a brother or a cousin she is happy to see on Christmas. Yeah, he remembers that. He'll be damned if she thinks he's going to give her that kind of power over him.

"You know what, I am the one who actually said anything resembling feelings, I told you I loved you and you left me. If anyone is holding out on any kind of feelings here, it'll be you." He says, deciding to go on the offensive.

"Wait, what? I told you that I loved you right before I went to work for Louise."

"Bullshit that was a 'right back at you' kind of thing." He retorts

"Yes, to whatever 'I love you' meaning you actually meant, right back at you!" she shouts

"See, I am not the only one with weird commitment issues here, and you play it as if you are above reproach. Like you are oh so in touch with your feeling and I am the one with the problem." he yells right back.

"I am perfectly in touch with my feelings." She response

"Oh yeah? Isn't it you who reaffirmed that bogus rule of yours after the other time because you were afraid of your feelings for me. It seems everywhere I turn you're putting up a wall against me."

Donna is shocked that he would go that far. "I reaffirmed that rule because you weren't ready Harvey."

"You knew that so well you couldn't even give me a chance?"He retorts

"Would you have wanted a chance? Remember what you said when you asked me to come work for you in that restaurant? You said that if you'd know that you were going to ask me to work for you again you never would have come over. You made it perfectly clear which relationship you wanted Harvey. And I play by my rules." She states. The gloves are off alright.

"Play by your rules," he scoffs, "But you only had to break them for Steven what's his name." He counters.

"What's your problem, I told you I had to live my life." She's getting more agitated now. "So you are allowed to have romantic work relationships with Scotty and I am not?"

"That was your own goddamned rule!"He yells. "My problem is you slapped me with that ridiculous rule the first time I met you and you stuck with it. Then you brought it up again after we slept together. And I respected that, I played by the rule. Only to have you break it for Steven goddamned Huntley in my face!" he yells.

"Oh so now you know his last name?" she says mildly. She had no idea it had bothered him so much. Just like the Scotty thing had bothered her. She had never said it though.

"Harvey, you had twelve years with me and you never hinted that you wanted me in your life that way. A girl can get clued in, even after twelve years. You had everything and I didn't. I had to live my life.

"Twelve years?" he scoffs. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me? What kind of person tells someone they sleep with to forget about it the next day? I could hardly keep it together the first days and you were continuing on like nothing ever happened. You are a steel woman Donna. You have enough steel to put Jessica Pearson to shame!" he rants.

She gasps, "You ungrateful moron. You are saying I didn't feel anything? I have stayed by your side for twelve years! Slaving for you, putting you first. And still you question my love for you?"

"See that's the thing Donna, that's the problem. You love me how?" he says looking at her face which had gone ashen. "Love me how?" He repeats. She doesn't answer, she's dumbstruck. He raises an eyebrow at her in question and she still doesn't answer.

"That's what I thought." He says, taking his coat from her couch and leaves her apartment.


	2. Chapter 2

She is tossing and turning, she can't sleep. How dare he? How dare he accuse her like that? She punches her pillow, trying to feel comfortable, but it's no use. She can't sleep. She sits up and looks at the time, 2:30am. He accused her of all sorts of things. He even called her steel woman. What the heck! "Love me how?' She recalls how he had hauled that familiar question back at her. And she couldn't answer. She sits there fuming for another twenty minutes until she decides to take action. She's going to go there and tell him. She'll tell him how before she is accused of being afraid of him! She scoffs as she gets up from her bed and changes into a pair of jeans and t shirt. She puts on her coat as she closes her door behind her and marches into the street. Then as the cold air hits her face, cooling down her temper at the same time, she realizes she is afraid. Not afraid of the quiet streets at this time of the night but of _Him_. What if he rejects what she says? What is she going to say to him anyway? She tries to picture herself pouring her heart out to Harvey and him sitting there being King while she squirms under his scrutiny. No way. So maybe she does have some issues but only when it comes to Harvey. She scoffs at herself again. When has there ever been anyone else? She turns back to her apartment and sits dejected on her couch. Ok, now she's being a real coward, and she can't let him be right in all those accusation her hauled at her. She could wait till tomorrow but she knows tomorrow she will not be as pissed as she is right now. And that means she will chicken out before she is able to say anything. And how is she going to go back and continue working for him after that. Continue as if nothing happened. Steel woman. She'll be damned! She gets up fuming and sees a deck of cards. She has an idea.

He hears a knock on his door and he gets up from his couch. He couldn't sleep after that altercation with Donna so he had gotten up and tried to watch some TV instead, for all the concentration he was giving it. He went too far tonight. That has got to be the meanest fight he has ever had with Donna. He had wanted to call Dr Argart and schedule a meeting but he knew she was going to say no. So he had gone home, got a little drunk and tried to sleep. No luck. He walks to his door wondering who could be knocking on his door at this hour. He looks at the watch and its way past 3am. He opens the door and she's standing there, looking breath taking as usual. Though it seems she is just coming from bed herself. Did he perhaps manage to fall asleep after all and this is a dream. He wouldn't be surprised; he's been having plenty of those lately. "Donna what are you doing here at this hour?"

She just shows him a deck of cards and he raises an eyebrow in question. She walks unceremoniously into his apartment and sits on his couch. "I couldn't sleep." She says.

"So you decided to come play poker with me." He asks, a little sceptical.

"As a matter of fact, yes." She replies

He raises an eyebrow again, questioningly.

"And we are playing for feelings." She says and he looks even more suspicious.

"Whoever wins gets to ask a question and rules of the game, no lying, and no evasive answers. Just the truth." She says looking challengingly at him.

Ok, that sounds fishy but this is a deck of cards. This is poker and he is good at poker. Hell he is the best at poker. He kills poker. By the end of this whole game, he will have all her feelings on the table. He doesn't show mercy when he's playing for money. And now he's playing for feelings? Hell he's playing for survival and he won't take any prisoners. She chose the wrong game. He smirks and takes the deck of cards from her hands. "Make you comfortable." he says pointing at his rug on the floor while he pours them each a glass of scotch. He takes the cards and starts to deal. She has a good poker face, he'll give her that. He has never played poker with Donna before, come to think of it. If they weren't playing for feelings he'd let her win some. Suddenly she slaps down her cards on the rug, full house. Shit! He is shocked and looks like a rabbit caught in a trap. He should have known she was good at this too. Damn now what. It's over. She's going to ask him the _How_ question and that will be it for him. He holds his breath as if waiting for the death penalty verdict.

She takes a breath of relief, she won. She knows Harvey's reputation with poker and she is actually shocked that she won. Should she asks him _How'_ , he'll hate that. But then if the roles were reversed he wouldn't hesitate to go for the kill. She wants to ask him how but then she is not quite sure she wants to hear it. What if it's not what she wants to hear? She looks at him and he looks like he is waiting for the guillotine. She wants to hear everything. She has too many questions. And this will be over too soon if she asks the _how_ question. She's protecting herself or protecting him, she doesn't know but she doesn't want to hear it yet. "Why did you ask me to work for you the time after the other time? Why did you accept my rule?" she asks.

He takes a deep breath of relief, she has shown him mercy. "That's two questions Donna." he says cockily.

"Ok then, let me rephrase. When you asked me to work for you, did you know that I was going to reaffirm my rule?" she asks

It's a simple enough question and he knows what she's really asking. "Not really." He says

"Evasive answer." She quips

"I knew you would have issues with working with me after the other time and you'd probably reinforce that rule but I needed you with me." He sighs and tries to explain as best and as honestly as he understands his decision back then. "After the other time, I wanted to run far away from you but I also couldn't bear the thought of being away from you. You made me feel things that were a little out of my comfort zone so I ran while keeping you insight at the same time. That way I could have my fun with whoever else I wanted and still have you in my life .If I had wanted to break your rule I would have, and you would have let me. But I didn't want to, because I was scared." This revelation is new to his own ears, but he knows in his heart that that's the truth.

She just nods her head, processing the information while he deals the cards again. This time he wins. She holds her breath waiting for the dagger to drop. He looks at her and sees how she tenses waiting for his question. He'll hit her with a light weight too, returning the favour. "Did you always have that rule or did you make that rule for me?" he asks bluntly.

She takes a deep breath, "I made it specifically for you. I knew of your reputation and I didn't want any part of that. Then I got to know you and we became friends. And then the other time happened and... I just, I thought that you had felt what I felt. Then you came with a proposal for me come work for you again. And you said what you said. And I just felt like one of your endless stream of girlfriends. You cheapened what we had, at least what I thought I felt. You made it into any other one night stand by saying that if you'd known you'd ask me to come work for you again you would never have come over. It hurt. But I couldn't lose you either. So I said we should put it out of our minds and forget it ever happened. It seemed like you he'd already done that." She says and he nods with understanding. He didn't know that's how she had felt. He was too busy protecting his own heart and coming up with strategies to have his cake and eat it too he didn't pay attention to how she was feeling. He dealt the cards and he won again. Somehow he doesn't feel jubilant about it. It doesn't feel like a contest anymore. "Why did you push me into the arms of other women? Why did you encourage me to pursue those relationships? I know we are friends but didn't it bother you? Not even a little? Cause I know your relationship with Steven Huntley bothered me." He asks

"I wanted you to be happy. I wanted what you wanted. It did bother me but I pushed that aside because I cared more about you than what petty issues I had with your girlfriends. I knew that you could get whatever you wanted and whatever you didn't get you didn't want. You didn't get me so you didn't want me. You wanted Zoe, so I helped you get her. You wanted Scotty, you were even in love with her, so I did everything I could to make you get her. It's just the way it is I guess when you care about someone." She replies sadly. All this while, things are getting clearer and clearer to him. Some of her answers are making him angry because some of her assumptions are way off base. He deals another hand and he wins again. The only question left now is the How question. His heart hurts that he is doing this to her. He starts, "The other time, it started off with me wanting to sleep with you. My usual game. I liked you, we connected and the natural way to finish it all was to sleep with you. That's usually how it goes with me. But after wards, I never wanted to sleep with you again." He says, looking straight at her, a strange look in his eyes. She holds her breath, hurt by what he was saying but determined not to show it. She waits for the question but he continues.

"You made me feel like I was a part of you, like I was drowning in you. I was being swept by the waves of the sea with no raft and no control whatsoever. It was different from anything I had ever felt in my entire life and even now, nothing else comes close." He continues to speak, he is protecting her, from having to answer that _how_ question. Just as she had protected him at the beginning of the game. He would take a bullet for her and this one bullet he is going to take. Hanging himself out to dry in front of her. Leaving himself at her mercy. He just doesn't want to run anymore. He has to protect her, from him. "We never touched after that time, for me, it was because it was too dangerous. I could barely keep the image of you and me out of my head every single day that I was with you for those twelve years. Touching you would have just been too dangerous." He sighs and shakes his head as if he was remembering something. "Do you remember that time you were asking me about Daniel Hardman? You were sitting on my desk and you pulled my hand playfully. I honestly don't remember whatever else you asked me after that. I was supposed to have a date with Scotty that night. I stood her up; because I forgot. She finally forgave me and I said it was work. But I knew it was you. You pulled my hand. Then that time with Steven Hurtley, his trial. We had all agreed that we weren't going to put him on a stand. Me, Jessica, Mike and Darby, it was a bad move. It was strategically a bad move. And I was all set in my mind on what the politically right thing to do was. Then in the court building, you asked me to put him on the stand and I refused. I turned to go and you pulled my hand. You begged me to put him on the stand but everything else you said I couldn't comprehend much. All I knew was that I was going to put that bastard on the stand and blindside everyone. I don't know what happens when you touch me, you mess with my head." He looks up and raises a hand to wipe away a tear from her check. "I don't love you Donna, like a sister or a cousin I am only happy to see on Christmas. I am not sure how, but you are a part of me that I can't lose. I don't know how I love you Donna but I need you .I couldn't breath when I lost you to Louise, literary couldn't breath." He scoffs at himself shaking his head. "I told Louise that the problem with wanting more is that it can always be taken from you. The little I had was taken from me anyway and I had panic attacks. If I am ever to have more..." He doesn't finish the sentence, just shakes his head again. "All I know is that I can't lose you. I need you like the air that I breath, literary. Like the most vital part of my being, I can't function without you. Like a purpose for living. If it's even real," he looks up at her questioningly, "...like a soul mate?" he says with a question. "How am I supposed to love you." he asks her with such vulnerability in his eyes that she gets up and cups his face with her hands.

"Like I love you." she says in answer to his question. "Like the air I need to breathe, like the earth needs sunshine, like the most vital part of me. Like a soul mate." She says kissing him on the lips. He takes over and kisses her passionately. Like a soul mate.


End file.
